Week 195: The Marthian Chronicles


Dec. 1: Refill Ty-D-Bol dispenser with vanilla extract.

Dec. 2: Create Nativity scene out of weathered barn lumber, birch twigs, caramelized Shittake mushrooms, and carved quahog shells.

Dec. 3: Unzip sofa cushions, dust innards with cinnamon.

Dec. 4: Cross-pollinate poinsettia with mistletoe as possible cancer cure. 

This Week's Contest was proposed by Bob Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes, who happens to be the official overpaid Style Invitational cartoonist. We asked Bob what he wanted to win, and he said, and we are quoting verbatim, "I want a roast-beef sandwich from the Roy Rogers at Wisconsin and M. Second,

I would like a Herblock original, which I would cherish. Failing that, just send me some crap like you send everyone else." Bob wins some crap. Anyway, he suggests that you come up with items for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar of projects. For those wretched few of you who do not subscribe to Martha Stewart Living, each month, Martha has a day-by-day list of the self-absorbed, anal-retentive, arts-and-crafty, vomitously precious things she plans to do, for your edification, so you can compare it with your schedule. (Your schedule: Take dog to vet for diarrhea. Martha's schedule: French-braid front lawn.) To give you a taste what it is like, this is her actual entry for January 9: "Update birthday calendar and phone list; laminate." Submit items for as many days in December and January as you wish. First-prize winner gets a frighteningly realistic Newt Gingrich mask, a value of $ 25.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 195, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 16. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 192, in which we invited you to make up federal legislation based on the names of the 80-plus incoming freshman members of the House and Senate.

As always, this contest resulted in a hemorrhage of entries, as though from a burst pulmonary artery. More than 10,000, total. As always, there is a chance that we have inadvertently omitted the names of some people with entries identical to the winners. As always, we offer this remedy to those aggrieved persons: Bite us. Thank you. Several excellent entries were submitted by too many people to credit the authors, including the Cleland-Brownback Bill to reverse the relocation of NFL franchises, and the Turner-Northup Map Orientation Bill.

* Fifth Runner-Up: The Pickering-Quigley Act authorizing shotgun weddings. (Stephanie Martin, Arlington; Michael Baird, Derwood)

* Fourth Runner-Up: The Kilpatrick-Riley Act to prohibit further tampering with Juwan Howard's contract. (Mike Platt, Germantown)

* Third Runner-Up: The John-Blagojevich-Goode Bill requiring pop musicians to disclose the middle names of characters in songs that give only their middle initials. (David Smith, Berkeley, Calif.)

* Second Runner-Up: The Berry-Thune Bill to promote expedited access to speech therapy. (Noah Wofsy, Washington)

* First-Runner-Up: The Goode-DeGette-Enzi-John-Quigley Act to reduce ladies' room lines at sporting events. (Ernie Staples, Silver Spring)

* And the winner of the taxidermized piranha:

The John-Berry-Paul Amendment, prohibiting subliminal messages on record albums, CDs, etc. (Tommy Litz, Bowie)

* Honorable Mentions:

The Tauscher-Cooksey Product Standardization Act for syrup of ipecac. (Michael F. Duffy, Washington)

The Davis-Hutchinson-Johnson-Smith-Davis-Hutchinson-Johnson-Smith Deja Vu Research Bill. (J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.; Russell Beland, Springfield)

The Roberts-Reed Proclamation in support of the Brady Act. (Frank and Cindy Curry, Richmond)

The Pappas-Pitts-Enzi-John Bill to equip houses with cuspidors. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

The Berry-Baird-Durbin-Pitts Bill to repair potholes in the District of Columbia. (David Vierling, Woodbridge)

The Johnson-Baird-Quigley Anti-Flasher Act. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

The Landrieu-Paul Act endorsing selection of a transvestite star for the annual House New Year's Eve party. (Tom O'Brien, Reston)

The Pease-Stabenow Gun Control Bill. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

The Northup Tautology Proclamation. (Marty Youmans, Arlington)

The Davis-Berry-Blunt Proclamation honoring David Brinkley. (Ed Sofinowski, Burke)

The Enzi-Moran-Capps-Turner Bill prohibiting the idiotic fashion of wearing baseball hats backward. (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

The Cook-DeGette-Reyes Amendment to the Minimum Wage Act. (Michael Baker, Columbia)

The Reyes-Johnson Bill to study impotency. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Tauscher-Turner Insomniacs Relief Act. (Beth Benson, Lanham; Michael F. Duffy, Washington)

The Smith-John-Smith Truth in Hotel Registration Act. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The Berry-Goode Proclamation honoring Hispanic baseball players. (Michael Baker, Columbia)

The Tauscher-Capps Military Academy Graduates Bill. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

The Goode-Price-DeGette-Ford-John Bill limiting the cost of government-purchased toilet seats. (Howard O. Allen, Middleburg)

The Allen-Capps Shift-Loc Enforcement Bill. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

The Pease-Cooksey-Boyd-Thune Thanksgiving Health Standards Bill. (Donna Rae Smith, Potomac; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

The Blunt-Johnson Endowment. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

* And Last:

The Reed-Enzi-John Bill to provide federal subsidies for the Style Invitational. (Michael Gould, Walkersville)

Next Week: Ask Backwards VIII